Settling...or Settlers....or something.

So a girl on an email list that I subscribe to (for young singles in my church) sent out an email today with a link to an article., and invited discussion:

"The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough"
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

The author made many good points about why "settling" for someone that doesn't have everything you want is better than hoping the person you want will come along, in particular those who (like myself) aren't getting any younger. She feels that "settling" has gotten a bad rap, and we look at it negatively when we really shouldn't. She talks about how her priorities have changed since she was in her 20s--and now in her 40s, as a single mom, she wishes she just had someone to partner with her in building a life. He might not be perfectly handsome, he might not have a great singing voice or write beautiful poetry, heck he may not even "connect" with her--but she feels that if he was a good dad, and dependable, he'd be worth having. Or something like that. The articles meanders a bit, but it makes some interesting points.

I'm not married. I'm also 32--and in my faith, those two don't really (or aren't supposed to) go together. You're expected to marry in your 20s, have a few children and be well into a career by now. I don't meet that criteria. I find it incredibly ironic that people counsel individuals in my situation to "not dwell on" the fact that I'm not married, "don't obsess about it" and be "happily single." JOKE!! Just not a funny one. How the heck am I supposed to do that when my faith is ALL ABOUT THAT? Every week at church, I'm surrounded by young married couples. Every time I'm about to check out an attractive woman, I have to remind myself she's married and turn my attention elsewhere. And the church's idea of supporting me in this struggle is to put me into a singles program that includes everyone from age 31 to.....dead. Riiiiiiiiiiight. This after coming out of a very supportive "Young Single Adult" program that was tailored to the ages from 18-30. You might start to feel a little old for the crowd at the tail end, but at least you're not looking into Social Security. Holy crap.

Now the church doesn't actively preach "settling"--nor do I think they ever will. When you're LDS, and believe that marriage is for eternity (not just "til death do us part"), it changes that dynamic a bit. Certainly, you better kinda like spending time together, or eternity's gonna get old real fast. At the same time, I have heard church leaders say "any 2 people that are living the gospel of Jesus Christ can be compatible." So it's really left to a personal thing. If you're really that hard up, and you feel it's right for you--you can make the choice to "settle" or not. But of course, make sure to include God in the decision through prayer. That's what I've gotten out of what I've been taught anyway. I think the church would much rather you be in love with that person, and happy with them--but if you choose to settle they won't stop you.

But my personal take is this---settling is a bad idea. I say that because I've tried it in relationships before--with catastrophic results. "She likes me, why not?" is a dangerous line of thinking, in my experience. It only made me more miserable, since instead of just being lonely, now I felt dishonest. Feeling like that for the rest of my life is a depressing thought. Of course how depressing is it to think about waking up on Christmas morning when I'm 55 or 60 to an empty house? Nobody to open presents with, or watch It's a Wonderful Life on Christmas Eve. Then again, do I want to be jealous of George Bailey because I "settled"? Ay yi yi....

The author of that article does tone things down a bit though--she frames it this way: we grow and mature, and our priorities change. That guy that didn't seem dreamy enough to her 10 years ago, might not seem half bad now. Maybe a guy that plays volleyball and is in good shape isn't as important at this point as the guy that would be willing to get up and feed the baby at 3am, even if he does have a receding hairline. We're all gonna get old and ugly eventually anyway.

She has a good point--but I still have trouble with the idea of "settling". Here's how it is for me: I had what I felt was the perfect girl many years ago. We were in love, and I cared for her as I have cared for no one else before or since. It SHOULD have worked--but it didn't. My happily ever after fell in the gutter and washed down the drain (to complete the analogy, it was probably recycled into someone else's), and I've never come even remotely close to that feeling since. So here's the rub--do I want to "settle" for someone I can tolerate, or am fond of, or even kinda like, and accept that as the best I can do--when I know how good it can feel? One of my favorite songs contains the following lines:

Now I've swung back down again,
It's worse than it was before
If I hadn't seen such riches,
I could live with being poor

And that's the long and the short of it (and the third such phrase I've used in this rather verbose post). I've been rich--very rich. So poverty --no matter how comfortable--will always be (at least a little) bitter. Or maybe bittersweet.

Heck, maybe I can hire a lonely female friend to come watch It's A Wonderful Life with me every Christmas Eve. Then we can talk about how much we envy the main characters. Any takers? Now accepting applications.

P.S. And now, just because (mainly because this page is in need of pictures)--a picture of a cat in a sink.